Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent held an impromptu press conference Thursday to reassure anxious markets and American workers that the economy is not, in fact, entering a recession. “What we’re experiencing,” Bessent explained, adjusting his glasses and gesturing at a chart that clearly showed a downward trajectory, “is more of a vibe shift.”

“The fundamentals are strong,” he continued, a phrase that economists have noted typically precedes fundamentals becoming demonstrably not strong. “We’re seeing a strategic recalibration of economic expectations toward a more sustainable growth paradigm.” When a reporter asked if “sustainable growth paradigm” meant “contraction,” Bessent smiled and said he would not get into “definitional debates.”

Wall Street Reacts

Markets were initially buoyed by the comments, rallying for approximately fourteen minutes before someone read the actual economic data. The S&P 500 then resumed its descent, which traders are reportedly calling the “vibe correction.”

Goldman Sachs released a note titled “Vibes and the Macro Outlook,” which argued that while traditional recession indicators—inverted yield curves, declining payrolls, falling consumer confidence—are flashing red, the “narrative environment remains constructive.” The note was later revealed to have been partially written by an AI that had been trained exclusively on White House press releases.

The American Consumer Weighs In

Reached for comment at a gas station in suburban Ohio where regular unleaded was selling for $5.19 per gallon, local resident Denise Hartwell offered her own economic analysis. “My vibe,” she said, filling her Honda Civic, “is that everything costs too much and the people in charge think we’re stupid.” Economists on both sides of the aisle described this assessment as broadly consistent with the available data.